Almost Home

Syndactyly

2011-03-18T17:23:00.003-04:00

My baby girl was born with a birth defect. Simple, incomplete syndactyly affecting her 2nd and 3rd toes on her left foot. I don't like the term "webbed toes", but that pretty much describes it, if you've never heard of the term syndactyly.

Her toes look pretty much like this: http://newborns.stanford.edu/PhotoGallery/Syndactyly1.html

And will look like this when she's an adult: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Celldeath.jpg

I have convinced myself, and in my heart, I *know* that this was caused by the Albuterol inhaler that I took at 11-12 weeks gestation Albuterol is a teratogenic drug, and has been linked to limb defects, and other birth defects. I was desperately sick at the time, and was worried about my inability to breath. I had visited our family physician, who prescribed the Albuterol. I got it filled, read the insert, and read about the birth defects, but told myself that the risk was relatively low, and that I needed it; I didn't want to suffer anymore.

This condition is strictly cosmetic, and should not affect her functionally at all. We are 99% certain that we will not be having this corrected. The surgery involves general anesthesia, as well as a skin graft. If Maura at some point asks us if she can have it done, we'll reconsider at that point in time. We had a difficult time coming to this decision, because it is said that the younger the person is when having corrective surgery, the easier the recovery and healing will be. It is recommended to have the surgery done before the 3rd year of life. Sometimes I question our decision, but Jason always convinces me that she doesn't need the corrective surgery.

I'm back!

2011-02-16T17:24:00.003-05:00

I have avoided this blog for nearly a year and a half. I was actually going to remove everything and be done with it, but instead I made it private so that only I could read it. Reading over old blog posts has been a little emotional. I'm glad I didn't get rid of everything.

A lot has happened in the past several months that has brought out a lot of feelings from my past. I've been somewhat emotional lately. I suppose that is what brought me back here. Sometimes I tear up over the silliest things. Not all of it is negative emotion. I have also found what I call a "treasure" recently - the Catholic Church. I'll have to post about that soon :-)

I Had to Post This :-)

2009-09-01T13:05:00.001-04:00

This song really seems to describe our lives. I especially like the end.

You Can Associate Me With Dirty Laundry, If You'd Like

2009-08-18T14:04:00.002-04:00

My cousin sent me this video, and I couldn't resist the urge to post it here :-)

My Very Much Dreaded, but Necessary Update

2009-08-12T10:40:00.004-04:00

After my status updates on MySpace and Facebook, most everyone knows a little bit about what's been going on in my life. I have received so much love, support, and some varied advice. It is so comforting to know that I have people that truly care about me and my happiness, after being hurt in such a large way.

I needed a small break to take the pressure and well-intended expectations off and to focus on figuring out what do and begin the journey.

I received a lot of advice to leave my husband and get a divorce. I know those who have suggested this only had my best interest in thought. However, no one will ever really understand what type of relationship Jason and I share. We are a part of each other in such a profound way. We've been through so very much together. He has been there for me in difficult times in my life, as I have been there for him in the like. Because of this, the pain is intensified whenever one of us does something that hurts the other. Dysfunctional? Irresponsible? Divorce warranted? Although some may think so, I think not. This is marriage. God put us on this path, our very own unique path. It is up to us to pass the tests and trials in life. Although I am aware that there are situations where a divorce may be necessary, I, for the most part, after searching deep within myself, have decided that I do not believe in divorce, except in some rare instances. Of course, you cannot control another person's actions and behavior, that is up to that individual. If I felt so strongly about divorce always being the resolution, I would have lost the respect that marriage rightfully deserves. Despite things that have happened in the past, I have the utmost respect for marriage, especially mine. That is why I would rather repair it as opposed to throw it away.

Jason and I are taking it day by day. My emotional state has been a wreck. It's difficult, but we're going to fight the challenge against all obstacles that come in our way. We are partners, and should be able to do this. One of my main complaints about Jason is his mood, meanness, and his overall attitude. Last Thursday, he went to the doctor's and got a prescription that seems to really be helping him. There's no way to tell right now if this is an answer, only with time, we will be able to know if this is part of the answer. More than likely, I think it will help enormously. After considering certain predispositions and exposures from before he was even outside of his mother's womb, and then what type of upbringing he had, it would make sense that there is in fact a chemical imbalance in his brain along with characteristics caused by nurture (or lack of in this case). I do feel bad for him, because he had nature and nurture going against him, which would ultimately determine his path in life. I hope my husband is strong enough to conquer all of this, as I have in my own life. I support him and I have faith that he can do this.

Our plan is to renew our marriage vows in 2012, after have been married for 10 years. This will allow time for healing and repair. We never had a "proper" wedding to begin with, so this will also give the opportunity to celebrate our marriage with family and close friends.

Please keep our family in your prayers.

Vaccine Nation (Trailer)

2009-06-10T09:49:00.001-04:00

Keks Baby and Lila

2009-05-12T14:40:00.013-04:00

Last week, I bumped into a wonderful woman at the park. She makes shoes for babies! I absolutely love her work!

Here are pictures of Lila wearing her customized shoes and matching head band.

Check out HER SITE to order a pair for your little one or give them as a gift!

My One and Only Thumb Sucker

2009-05-06T19:08:00.003-04:00

None of my children ever sucked their thumbs (at least not to my knowledge), until today.

Lila found her thumb! We'll see if she continues this...

My Early Teethers

2009-05-04T15:48:00.008-04:00

So, that time has come that Lila has begun teething. It started nearly a month ago. Yeah, it's early - but it's pretty much the norm for our kids!

I think Jason carries a gene for early teeth. According to his mother, he got his first tooth at three months of age!

Lila is not the only one in the household to be erupting teeth! Although Ava has not yet lost any of her baby teeth, she is already growing her adult two front bottom teeth behind her baby teeth!

(Sorry about the picture quality, I had difficulty trying to take an up-close picture. The saliva didn't help either!)

I was so scared when I first discovered this! We were in the shower and I was brushing Ava's teeth and yelled to Jason to come and see what I found! I thought she had an extra set of teeth or something at first! I had him look it up online and by the time we finished showering, he was able to assure me that this is quite normal.

We have a dentist appointment scheduled for the 11th of this month. We'll see if these baby teeth will need to be pulled or not. I'll update this post.

Laundry! (And Babywearing)

2009-04-19T21:50:00.010-04:00

Well, the time has come that I must expose my dirty little secret... Well, to be quite honest, this is more than "little", this is a HUGE, dirty, filthy, embarrassing secret!

It has been nearly two years since my laundry has been COMPLETELY caught up. I used to be the little wife at home who had literally every single piece of dirty laundry clean at various times (besides the clothing on our backs, that is). There was never more than a couple dirty loads at a given time. Everything was neatly folded in drawers all the time.

When I began working, laundry slowly piled up. It got pretty bad around this time a year ago. Actually, there has probably been close to the same amount of laundry as now for the past entire year!

It has gotten way out of control. I'm serious. This is affecting my quality of life. It's not just the laundry, it's the housework. I can't keep up on everything!

If I were to be given a clean slate - everything in my house being in it's spot, clean, and fresh, I would totally be able to keep up on everything!

Honestly, I blame it all on my old work schedule. I ran kids around all morning, then went to work. Sure, working only three days a week should have given me time to do housework/laundry on my days off... No, actually I was recuperating on my days off after having to stay up late and get up early, all while being pregnant. I had no help whatsoever. My mom would come over every once in a great while and tidy up (which helped), but it barely put a dent into anything. It seemed like if it wasn't one thing happening, it was another! Moving and having a baby at home three days later really hit me hard as far as housework/laundry. I was out taking the kids to school and running errands just 5 days after giving birth. I feel like I've had it a little rough to say the least. I was too overwhelmed with so many other things to even be thinking about housework, or laundry for that matter! I don't want a pity party, as that chapter of my life has passed. I just thought I'd share how this all came about.

Anyway, I want so badly for things to be the way they used to. I want to enjoy life with my children, not always be stressed out about housework and worried about who might stop by and see everything in it's disgraceful condition.

Please pray for me that I can get things in order around here and keep it that way!

On a side note, I got a very special gift yesterday - a Baby K'tan! I did not expect this at all! I was so thrilled to get this from a co-worker! I own a Baby B'jorn, a Snugli, and a Hotsling (which has been our main carrier). None of those really were 100% satifying for us and I was wanting to get something new, I just couldn't decide what I wanted. Well, just after receiving this great gift, I went to to grocery store with all three children. Lila was awake and I could tell that she would not have it sitting in that carseat while we shopped, so I figured I'd go ahead and give the K'tan a shot right then and there. Never before have I nursed a baby while grocery shopping! No one even knew what I was doing either! I absolutely LOVE this carrier!

Open Swim!

2009-04-08T16:34:00.003-04:00

The children discovered a new guest when they looked outside.

This is what happens when a pool is not properly closed at the end of the summer. He seems to want to be a frequent visitor now. Thank you previous owners! LOL.

What a Commercial

2009-04-01T20:26:00.002-04:00

A Very Powerful Ad

This brought tears to my eyes in it's short, minute-and-a-half statement.

Truly a statement for everyone to see.

Pitiful People Pleaser

2009-03-24T14:12:00.006-04:00

Apparently I have been living my life to please others. I am starting to dislike who I am inside because I keep getting myself into predicaments where after reflecting back, I'm disgusted with how I responded to the situation I was in.

This is nothing new, I've always been like this. However, I have decided to make this a part of my old life. (You know, the old life where I used to pay a $1700 mortgage each month, drove an over-sized vehicle, had major marital problems, and worked two jobs - one of which was a minimum of part-time hours on an afternoon shift which forced me to neglect my family and home, the other causing all sorts of physical ailments.) I am making a vow to myself to honor and respect myself and my family. I have had enough and so has my family.

Yesterday afternoon I hit rock bottom. Lila had her two-month check-up. Considering all of my other attachment parenting methods, you could assume that I would question childhood vaccinations. When I had Ava and JJ, I was a "good little girl" and always did what I was told without any questions asked. It didn't even occur to me that I shouldn't have them vaccinated. While I was pregnant with Lila I focused just about ALL of my research on birth, after all I wanted an unassisted birth! :) I knew that the first dose of the Hepatitis B vaccine was recommended at birth, so that was the one and only vaccine that I researched because I figured I'd have two months after birth to do further research to decide what I was going to do as far as the rest of the vaccines.

After educating myself on the Hepatitis B vaccine, I decided I DID NOT want my baby to have this. First off, Hepatitis B is transmitted one of three ways, from mother at birth, sex, or dirty needles (intravenous drug use). I knew I did not have Hepatitis B (I was tested), I knew this baby wasn't going to be using illegal drugs or having sex, so with the risks of the vaccine itself, why would I do it?

Lila's two-month birthday came way too fast. I found myself just days before her appointments trying to decide what the heck I was going to do. I knew nothing. After searching for support via fellow MDC'ers, I realized that this was obvious - I had to wait! I couldn't possibly decide what to do without the available knowledge necessary. You can give a shot, but you can't take one back! (Same thing goes for circumcision!) I needed more time to research and decide so that I could make an educated decision. I solved my problem. Simple. Or so I thought. I dreaded this appointment to no end.

I knew that I would have a problem discussing delayed/selective vaccinations with the pediatrician that we've been going to for nearly six years now. It's almost as though she knew I wasn't exactly sure about what the plan was because she asked, "What are we going to do about shots?" I told her that I wasn't sure and that I wanted to research more. Her demeanor immediately changed and she began talking even louder and even faster than normal. The only words I could make out clearly through her negative enthusiasm were death, died, and fatal. I then made up a lie saying that my mom had a friend who's granddaughter had autism and she was worried that it was linked to vaccines and that my mom went out and bought me "The Vaccine Book" by Dr. Sears which I didn't have a chance to read yet, but wanted to before making any decisions. (I really do want to get this book!) I felt totally ran over and disrespected.

So what happened? Lila is now "up-to-date" on all of the recommended vaccines. Why? Because I was ran over. To rephrase - I allowed myself to get ran over. This is my child, my baby. I did not make an educated or informed decision concerning what vaccines were in her best interest. I was totally disrespected, talked over, interrupted and treated as though something was wrong with me, that I was crazy for even considering "putting my child at risk of death". I could not change how I was being treated by this person, however I could've stood up for myself and my baby and not allowed her to be vaccinated at all. The doctor rambled off what vaccinations Lila "will be getting today". Mind you, I did not officially agree to anything at that point. She then proceeded to have me initial her chart acknowledging that Lila would receive those vaccinations. I signed. I sat there. She left the room. I sat. I thought to myself - I am stuck. I have no choice. The discussion was already getting heavy and hot. For me to argue against her would've only caused more confrontation and upset her more. I guess pleasing this doctor who is not an important part of my life meant more to me than what was best for my daughter. Honestly, I am ashamed of myself. I failed myself and my daughter. It's one thing for me to be a people pleaser, it's another when it will affect my children for the worse!

Lila had seven different killed diseases injected into her body yesterday. They include Diphtheria, Tetanus, Pertussis, (DTaP) Haemophilus Influenza Type B (Hib), Polio, Hepatitis B, and Rota virus. Seven. I never considered this before when Ava and JJ were babes. It just felt so wrong. My decision to vaccinate my child was based upon coercion, manipulation, and fear of confrontation with someone who doesn't matter. Stupid. Could anyone be more stupid?

My boss from work called me today to see when I was coming back, I guess she had heard that I was waiting for her to contact me and not vice versa. Although I previously had said I was not coming back part-time hours (especially on afternoons!) she seemed to think that I was somehow going to do that anyway. I can't! I won't! And I don't need to! She said there's nothing for me on day shift, so I guess I won't be working very often, if at all. My manager told her I said I wanted to work every weekend - I never said that, I said every other Saturday. It's funny how your words can change. Remember the game "telephone"?... "Plans are neat, but motherhood is messy" (I stole that from a magazine article) and as much as I love working, I love my baby and family more!

People identify me as a push-over. It makes it easier for them to feel they can convince me. Shame on them. Jason always gets mad at me when I don't stand up for myself, but I always tell them that the people whom I am not standing up to already know what they are doing. A lot of the time it's just an obvious common sense situation. Why would you ask me to do something that you know you wouldn't want to do yourself?

Honestly, none of the situations I find myself in are because I simply cannot speak how I feel. It is because the person on the other end is attempting to persuade (or should I say manipulate?) me to do what they want me to do! They don't care about me, nor do they care if I will be put out. That's the world we live in - a cold, selfish one where everyone has a bottom line -be it money, power, or something else for themself!

From now on, I'm basing my decisions on what's best for me and my family. That's my bottom line! Don't expect me to put myself out for you - don't bother even asking! I'm going to avoid putting myself in situations where I may be "set up" to be ran over.

I'm putting my foot down in life.

This article hit the nail on the head for me.

Bed-Sharing... Or Should I Say Floor-Sharing?

2009-03-21T21:58:00.006-04:00

Ava and JJ have been asking me for the longest time if they could sleep together. We've tried it a few nights and they'd never go to sleep! Well, they asked again tonight and because it's the weekend and they were going to bed early, I said yes thinking they wouldn't fall asleep as usual.

Here's what Jason and I discovered at about 9pm.

I had to wake JJ up to potty (a nightly routine to prevent him from wetting). I told him to go lay back down, and this is what he did.

Good Night and Sweet Dreams!

Got Milk?

2009-03-19T15:21:00.000-04:00

Most people that know me well, know that I get pretty obsessed when the topic of breastfeeding comes up. I've always been a lactivist, however the urge to promote tends to intensify when I have a baby; I become obsessed.

I came across this article and it had me thinking...

I am not the one to go out of my way to make a bottle-feeding mama feel bad, I hold the idea that in most cases, bottle-feeding is simply the stupid decision. That sounds harsh. Maybe I should use the word "ignorant" or "uninformed" as opposed to "stupid". I could blame it on the society we live in instead of the individual, but really I think it's a combination of the two.

I totally compare breastfeeding to not smoking (notice I didn't say I wanted to compare bottle-feeding to smoking) What are the pros for smoking? I can think of cons right away, but pros...? The only thing I can think of is that smoking is a stress reliever...? There are so many things in this world that you can do to relieve stress! (I've lived a stressful life and I don't smoke!) Cons - Smoking stinks! It makes you, your possessions, your home, and anyone who visits your home smell like a disgusting ashtray! (I know firsthand!) Smoking is bad for your health! Need I say more? Smoking costs lots of money! It's not only the actual cigarettes, but health care costs as well. Knowing how bad smoking is, the natural thing to do would be not to smoke, right? Well, when having a child, the natural choice would be not to bottle-feed, but instead give your child the better of the two options. Despite this obvious point, many still choose the inferior of the options, whether that be bottle-feeding or smoking.

With that being said, I am never the one to verbally (or in any other way) give a voice to someone personally who chooses the "bad choice" (in anything in life). I'm actually scared to say anything to these people out of fear that I may hurt them. I'm a people pleaser, certainly not a people hurter!

That's one side of the coin. What gets me the most is other people's reactions to my superior decision to give my child the best. When I had Ava, we were shopping at Sam's Club when she was just a few days old (I think 4 to be exact). She needed to eat, so I took her into the filthy bathroom stall to feed her. I vividly remember standing there, nursing her with my aching body (I had major abdominal surgery just days prior!). Why did I do this? I didn't want to offend anyone. Shame on me for putting myself out for other people and for something that was wondrous and need not be hidden! Nursing in public with both Ava and JJ, I usually covered with a blanket. I did not do this for my own comfort, but for outsider's comfort. Again, shame on me.

When I became pregnant with Lila, I held very different views about the outside world compared to when I had Ava and JJ. I was so naive the first two times around. I told myself that things would be better this time, not just with nursing, but many, many more parenting subjects. I need not listen to "professionals" or the outside world, but to God and myself and my family. Throughout this last pregnancy, I did what I felt was right, not what I was told was right - I did the right things, the right things for me anyway. I managed to slip through time without any major criticism. (Besides some co-workers who I can only assume had good intention). Now that the whole UP/UC is behind me, I thought I wouldn't have to worry about being hurt from insensitive comments. Was I wrong! I guess I wasn't thinking about how life would be after the baby was here. Of course my attachment parenting ideas wouldn't go away, they became stronger!

So many little things upset me. I try to remind myself that people aren't "out to get me", but their insincere and ignorant comments really make me think they are intentionally trying to cause bad feelings.

Yesterday we had a playdate with a little girl from Ava's kindergarten class. Everything was alright until Lila needed to nurse. I asked the mother of the little girl if she minded me doing it in front of her in her home, and she said no and seemed okay with it. Then, while I was still nursing she starts talking about how her friend whipped out her boob at a wedding and was "shoving it down her baby's throat" and that that was just wrong to do there. Also that that friend feeds the baby too much and the baby uses her as a pacifier. People need to realize that nursing babies don't want to nurse only because they're hungry, most often they just want their mother's comfort. It's a relationship, not just about food! Then, she said she knows someone who breastfed until the child was 2 yrs. old and that was "so disgusting". (I must add that the World Health Organization [WHO] recommends breastfeeding last 24 months! I'm sorry that we live in such a screwed up society here in the U.S. where EVERYTHING is done backwards!) Okay, okay, I could have dealt with just that, but then her husband walks in the door. She jumped up and ran into the other room. I had no idea what she was doing. She returned with a blanket that she used to cover my entire top half from my shoulders to my waist AND MY BABY! I took it off and politely said that I didn't need that, I was finished. It's my fault that I left there feeling so upset. I can never stand up for myself. I always go along with people and tell them what they want to hear just to get along. I've realized that this gets me nowhere. Sometimes I think people know even just a little that what they're saying/doing is offensive, but continue. (How could that woman not know what she was doing?!) Shame on them for knowingly doing that to someone else!

That's what I'm talking about. These types of things seem to happen to me often. I'm not sure why! I guess I sum it up to being that there are so many unhappy souls in this day and age, and because misery wants company, it's an attempt to suck me down with them.

I get so tired of hearing comments about how bad extended breastfeeding is. Really? Why? Why would someone think it's disgusting? Are breasts disgusting? Is a vitamin-rich, immunity-booster, sweet-tasting milk disgusting? Is a child eating or drinking disgusting? What's wrong with a two, three, or even four year old sharing something so special with their mother that will benefit them physically, emotionally, and intellectually? Why do people care so much? They don't have to do it, so why do they have the urge to bash people who do do it?

Then there are also those people who really do mean well, but really get on my nerves. While on a field trip to the public library with JJ's preschool class, I was sitting at a kiddy table nursing Lila and reading to JJ. I looked up and saw a mother staring from a few yards away. When she was able to catch my eye, she started pointing down and whispering something. I couldn't hear her. She kept doing that, but wouldn't come any closer. Confused, I thought she was asking if she could sit with us, so I said "Yeah, you can sit here!" She shook her head, then stepped a little closer and whispered "Your breast is showing a little bit." All that for nothing? Gee, thanks.

For the record, although Ava doesn't get it straight from the tap, she loves a cold glass of mommy milk! Yes, she'll be six in June. It's healthy for her and it makes her feel good knowing that it came from mommy and it's the same milk her little sister gets.

I hope if anything, I can inspire someone to make the best choice for their child, that being breast.

I leave you with a lovely picture of... You guessed it - Breastfeeding :)

Welcome!

2009-03-18T17:45:00.000-04:00

I've been wanting to start a blog now for quite some time. So here I am. This blog will serve two main purposes.

First, it will serve as my own personal vent. Jason and my mother will be thrilled to no longer have me talking off their ear! This will be the place I come to to "complain" about things that really bother me. I know - this does seem like a negative purpose. Really though, I feel like I've had so much to gripe about these days, I do need to get it off my chest. I should have started this long ago!

Secondly and positively, this blog will allow family and friends to have an opportunity to get to know me better and know what's going on in mine and my family's lives.

This should be fun! Happy Blogging!

The Unassisted Water Birth of Lila Rose

2009-01-21T16:40:00.009-05:00

My “due date” of January 7th came and went. Having had my last baby at 38 weeks and 2 days, I really thought this one would have been born earlier. I guess babies come when they are good and ready!

We ended up moving to a new home on Saturday, January 17th. Boy was that fun! I suppose you could say my labor began the morning of Monday January 19, 2009. I had on and off contractions throughout the day that were somewhat painful. I was still unsure if this was “it” because they weren’t regular at all. I went to bed that night only to woken up throughout the night with mildly painful contractions. I continued to have irregular mild contractions throughout that Tuesday. I went on with my daily routine of taking the kids to school. As soon as I tried to go to bed around 9:30, they began getting a little more painful and regular. I knew it was time. I labored in the bath tub while Jason filled the birthing pool in the dining room. I remember him putting on the CD I borrowed from my mother. It excited me to know that he was preparing. After a while, I felt like I needed to get out of the bath tub. I found myself sitting on the toilet then walking into my room, then back to the toilet. I repeated this a few times. At one point, I thought I should try to sleep, so I lay down in my bed - that was a mistake! Talk about pain! I have no idea how I ever labored laying down with my two other babies! There would be no sleeping for me.

Around 12:00 midnight, maybe a little before, the pool was finally full! I got out of the bath tub (I had gotten back in) and went downstairs, rocked in the rocking chair for awhile. I then got into the pool.

Things went pretty fast from there. I started feeling the urge to push; actually, my body was pushing on its own. Jason kept telling me not to push because he knew that the slower the baby emerged, the less likely I would tear. I couldn't control it though. The head emerged. I remember looking up at the ceiling, the room seemed so large. I was screaming. Jason was telling me to stop and relax because he was afraid someone would call the police. After the head was out, I told him jokingly, that the police could come in, I could care less! With the next contraction, her body slid out of me.

Lila Rose Belcher was born into Daddy's hands on Wednesday, January 21st, 2009 at 1:30 AM. After he handed her back to me, we bonded and nursed. Jason woke the kids up and they came downstairs. Ava was so excited. JJ on the other hand, fell back asleep on the living room floor. Lila weighed in at 8 pounds 8 ounces and 19 1/2 inches long. I did not tear at all, not even a tiny knick! I thank the perineal stretching we did before hand and the water during the birth.

Lila was 5 minutes old in this picture.

After a half hour or so, we cut the cord and Daddy took Lila to get dressed. I got out of the tub, got a bowl (for the placenta) and headed upstairs. I didn't realize the placenta was going to not come out immediately! (Funny, I had a dream about this happening) I couldn't rest until it was out. I tried nursing more, but it still wasn't near. After an hour and a half, I took the "Placenta Out" that I had ordered from IHH. Within another hour and getting back into a hot bath tub, I was able to push the placenta out. It was larger than I had expected. I then was comfortable and relieved.

We nestled in bed together. My mother tucked us in. I fell asleep with a new person suckling at my breast.

If I could change anything about my birth, there would have been a few things:

1. I would have made sure to have gotten more rest. I was falling asleep between contractions. Everytime one started up again, I cried, not out of pain, but because I didn't want to wake up! Near the very tail end I cried and told Jason I wanted to go to the hospital and I wanted general anesthesia because I just wanted to be asleep. Had I been not tired, I would have been better able to embrace each contraction.

2. I would have told Jason YES, do get the video camera. When he asked me, I was being grumpy and said no that I wasn't worried about that right now.

3. After the birth, I would've tried harder to be warm and comfortable. I think the placenta took a little longer because I got cold.

4. I would've done something with the placenta sooner! I feel as though I wasted it! I wanted to make a smoothie or something with it, but it just never happened. It sat in the fridge until 2 weeks, and then I realized I either had to throw it out or freeze it. It now sits in my freezer. I guess I'll plant it under a tree in the backyard. (If your confused about what I'm talking about click HERE.)

Overall, it was an amazingly wonderful birth. I am ever so grateful to God and my husband, for without them I may not have been able to have such an empowering experience.