After my status updates on MySpace and Facebook, most everyone knows a little bit about what's been going on in my life. I have received so much love, support, and some varied advice. It is so comforting to know that I have people that truly care about me and my happiness, after being hurt in such a large way.
I needed a small break to take the pressure and well-intended expectations off and to focus on figuring out what do and begin the journey.
I received a lot of advice to leave my husband and get a divorce. I know those who have suggested this only had my best interest in thought. However, no one will ever really understand what type of relationship Jason and I share. We are a part of each other in such a profound way. We've been through so very much together. He has been there for me in difficult times in my life, as I have been there for him in the like. Because of this, the pain is intensified whenever one of us does something that hurts the other. Dysfunctional? Irresponsible? Divorce warranted? Although some may think so, I think not. This is marriage. God put us on this path, our very own unique path. It is up to us to pass the tests and trials in life. Although I am aware that there are situations where a divorce may be necessary, I, for the most part, after searching deep within myself, have decided that I do not believe in divorce, except in some rare instances. Of course, you cannot control another person's actions and behavior, that is up to that individual. If I felt so strongly about divorce always being the resolution, I would have lost the respect that marriage rightfully deserves. Despite things that have happened in the past, I have the utmost respect for marriage, especially mine. That is why I would rather repair it as opposed to throw it away.
Jason and I are taking it day by day. My emotional state has been a wreck. It's difficult, but we're going to fight the challenge against all obstacles that come in our way. We are partners, and should be able to do this. One of my main complaints about Jason is his mood, meanness, and his overall attitude. Last Thursday, he went to the doctor's and got a prescription that seems to really be helping him. There's no way to tell right now if this is an answer, only with time, we will be able to know if this is part of the answer. More than likely, I think it will help enormously. After considering certain predispositions and exposures from before he was even outside of his mother's womb, and then what type of upbringing he had, it would make sense that there is in fact a chemical imbalance in his brain along with characteristics caused by nurture (or lack of in this case). I do feel bad for him, because he had nature and nurture going against him, which would ultimately determine his path in life. I hope my husband is strong enough to conquer all of this, as I have in my own life. I support him and I have faith that he can do this.
Our plan is to renew our marriage vows in 2012, after have been married for 10 years. This will allow time for healing and repair. We never had a "proper" wedding to begin with, so this will also give the opportunity to celebrate our marriage with family and close friends.
Please keep our family in your prayers.