Pitiful People Pleaser

Apparently I have been living my life to please others. I am starting to dislike who I am inside because I keep getting myself into predicaments where after reflecting back, I'm disgusted with how I responded to the situation I was in.

This is nothing new, I've always been like this. However, I have decided to make this a part of my old life. (You know, the old life where I used to pay a $1700 mortgage each month, drove an over-sized vehicle, had major marital problems, and worked two jobs - one of which was a minimum of part-time hours on an afternoon shift which forced me to neglect my family and home, the other causing all sorts of physical ailments.) I am making a vow to myself to honor and respect myself and my family. I have had enough and so has my family.

Yesterday afternoon I hit rock bottom. Lila had her two-month check-up. Considering all of my other attachment parenting methods, you could assume that I would question childhood vaccinations. When I had Ava and JJ, I was a "good little girl" and always did what I was told without any questions asked. It didn't even occur to me that I shouldn't have them vaccinated. While I was pregnant with Lila I focused just about ALL of my research on birth, after all I wanted an unassisted birth! :) I knew that the first dose of the Hepatitis B vaccine was recommended at birth, so that was the one and only vaccine that I researched because I figured I'd have two months after birth to do further research to decide what I was going to do as far as the rest of the vaccines.

After educating myself on the Hepatitis B vaccine, I decided I DID NOT want my baby to have this. First off, Hepatitis B is transmitted one of three ways, from mother at birth, sex, or dirty needles (intravenous drug use). I knew I did not have Hepatitis B (I was tested), I knew this baby wasn't going to be using illegal drugs or having sex, so with the risks of the vaccine itself, why would I do it?

Lila's two-month birthday came way too fast. I found myself just days before her appointments trying to decide what the heck I was going to do. I knew nothing. After searching for support via fellow MDC'ers, I realized that this was obvious - I had to wait! I couldn't possibly decide what to do without the available knowledge necessary. You can give a shot, but you can't take one back! (Same thing goes for circumcision!) I needed more time to research and decide so that I could make an educated decision. I solved my problem. Simple. Or so I thought. I dreaded this appointment to no end.

I knew that I would have a problem discussing delayed/selective vaccinations with the pediatrician that we've been going to for nearly six years now. It's almost as though she knew I wasn't exactly sure about what the plan was because she asked, "What are we going to do about shots?" I told her that I wasn't sure and that I wanted to research more. Her demeanor immediately changed and she began talking even louder and even faster than normal. The only words I could make out clearly through her negative enthusiasm were death, died, and fatal. I then made up a lie saying that my mom had a friend who's granddaughter had autism and she was worried that it was linked to vaccines and that my mom went out and bought me "The Vaccine Book" by Dr. Sears which I didn't have a chance to read yet, but wanted to before making any decisions. (I really do want to get this book!) I felt totally ran over and disrespected.

So what happened? Lila is now "up-to-date" on all of the recommended vaccines. Why? Because I was ran over. To rephrase - I allowed myself to get ran over. This is my child, my baby. I did not make an educated or informed decision concerning what vaccines were in her best interest. I was totally disrespected, talked over, interrupted and treated as though something was wrong with me, that I was crazy for even considering "putting my child at risk of death". I could not change how I was being treated by this person, however I could've stood up for myself and my baby and not allowed her to be vaccinated at all. The doctor rambled off what vaccinations Lila "will be getting today". Mind you, I did not officially agree to anything at that point. She then proceeded to have me initial her chart acknowledging that Lila would receive those vaccinations. I signed. I sat there. She left the room. I sat. I thought to myself - I am stuck. I have no choice. The discussion was already getting heavy and hot. For me to argue against her would've only caused more confrontation and upset her more. I guess pleasing this doctor who is not an important part of my life meant more to me than what was best for my daughter. Honestly, I am ashamed of myself. I failed myself and my daughter. It's one thing for me to be a people pleaser, it's another when it will affect my children for the worse!

Lila had seven different killed diseases injected into her body yesterday. They include Diphtheria, Tetanus, Pertussis, (DTaP) Haemophilus Influenza Type B (Hib), Polio, Hepatitis B, and Rota virus. Seven. I never considered this before when Ava and JJ were babes. It just felt so wrong. My decision to vaccinate my child was based upon coercion, manipulation, and fear of confrontation with someone who doesn't matter. Stupid. Could anyone be more stupid?

My boss from work called me today to see when I was coming back, I guess she had heard that I was waiting for her to contact me and not vice versa. Although I previously had said I was not coming back part-time hours (especially on afternoons!) she seemed to think that I was somehow going to do that anyway. I can't! I won't! And I don't need to! She said there's nothing for me on day shift, so I guess I won't be working very often, if at all. My manager told her I said I wanted to work every weekend - I never said that, I said every other Saturday. It's funny how your words can change. Remember the game "telephone"?... "Plans are neat, but motherhood is messy" (I stole that from a magazine article) and as much as I love working, I love my baby and family more!

People identify me as a push-over. It makes it easier for them to feel they can convince me. Shame on them. Jason always gets mad at me when I don't stand up for myself, but I always tell them that the people whom I am not standing up to already know what they are doing. A lot of the time it's just an obvious common sense situation. Why would you ask me to do something that you know you wouldn't want to do yourself?

Honestly, none of the situations I find myself in are because I simply cannot speak how I feel. It is because the person on the other end is attempting to persuade (or should I say manipulate?) me to do what they want me to do! They don't care about me, nor do they care if I will be put out. That's the world we live in - a cold, selfish one where everyone has a bottom line -be it money, power, or something else for themself!

From now on, I'm basing my decisions on what's best for me and my family. That's my bottom line! Don't expect me to put myself out for you - don't bother even asking! I'm going to avoid putting myself in situations where I may be "set up" to be ran over.

I'm putting my foot down in life.

This article hit the nail on the head for me.